I just thought I would share with you what God has been doing in the last two days. (and yes, you may share this with the team as well) Yesterday, I spent time continuing to think on and ponder our session on Monday evening. I sensed God speaking to me, ever so gently. This morning, I knew I wanted to get up and do some reading, but didn't know if I would wake up early enough to do that as well as watch the tv program I missed on Monday evening. It was scheduled to be on this morning at 6:00 am. Well, wouldn't you know it, God, in His faithfulness, stirred me to wakefulness around 5:15. As I lay there praying, knowing I couldn't get back to sleep and being afraid that if I did, I would miss the show, I decided to get up and bring with me the book I mentioned Monday, A God to call Father. I have read parts of this book before (over the past 2-3 years) and never have I gone farther than the chapter I started reading again today. I have attached it so you can read it. I know it will put a huge grin on your face. Anyhow, I prayed the prayer within, with my own words, as I was reading it. As I look on all the things that have been going on in the past month, from the things I have been sharing with my friend Kathy (thy word is a lamp unto my feet...the covenant with Abraham...he followed, even though he didn't know where he was going...etc) I find that God has been speaking to me and drawing me to this point of decision. He reminded me on Monday, and continues to remind me that, yes, I WANT to have a deeper relationship with Him, but I have NOT been WILLING. I have been too afraid. Well, I am still afraid. But, I feel, especially after this mornings reading, that I am finally willing. Still afraid, but knowing that God is the one who has led me to this place and He is the one that will continue to lead me.
Thank you so much, again, for all you have done, through Him, to help bring me to this point. Please, (and I know you will) continue to pray for His strength for me to continue in this journey. As scared as I am of what is to come, I so look forward to having a Father I can truly call Daddy.
In HIS care, and in HIS love, and in HIS arms I know I am wrapped, Amy
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
e-mail to Kathy
After my inner healing and deliverance meeting on Monday evening, I have been thinking much about what was brought out. The desire of God to want to bring me into a closer relationship with Him. To be my Father, my Abba, my Daddy. Yesterday, I spent my free thoughts thinking about this. The difference between wanting to know Him better and getting into a deeper relationship with Him and the WILLINGNESS to do so. I have WANTED to have this type of relationship for many years. But I have not been WILLING to take the steps necessary to have this. To be willing to allow God into places in my heart that I don't want to see or feel or experience. This morning, He woke me up early. I had wanted to watch the American Experience: We Shall Remain at 6:00 am. He woke me around 5:15. I couldn't get back to sleep and so got up and brought the book, A God to call Father out with me. The following is what I read:
Starting out from the secure doctrinal homes in the valley you have known so long can be more than a little fearful. The first steps are often timid ones.
Though fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, we’re often so fogged in by the traditions of men that we can’t move beyond them to find out what the Lord’s wisdom actually might be. Especially dubious are we of any so-called new doctrine that seeks to explain things in ways we’re unaccustomed to.
And now I have come to the valley talking new and fresh ways of “knowing” God, challenging you to travel up into the mountain region you cannot even see from here. I would be surprised if there wasn’t some quivering your spiritual knees. Truly I understand, dear friends. I myself lived in the valley for many years before following the white-bearded man into the mountain regions.
How well I recall my own first tentative steps!
How afraid I was that I might overstep the traditional bounds of my Christian training in leaving the comfort of the valley terrain I knew so well.
Oh, but I soon learned to trust the stranger, my guide and mentor who soon became my friend. I saw that he desired only to lead me to God my Father, not away from him. How reassuring it was also to realize that he was only following his own Master’s footsteps and showing me what there was to learn along the way.
Likewise, as we now leave the valley and journey upward together, I only desire to lead you along some of the lesser-known pathways where the footsteps of Jesus himself have led.
Jesus sought his Father alone in the hills, and he invites us to do the same as we accompany him upward.
If you cannot altogether leave your timidity, at least do not let it detain you.
In time, you will look back and realize that your fears have vanished altogether in the fresh lofty air of the spirit.
Come…the adventure begins!
--------------------------
Quiet yourself just now.
Put away pen that would underline, take notes, or scribble thoughts in the margin.
We have arrived at the edge of the valley. The first step along the upward path awaits us. We begin now to move toward a new realm of “getting to know” our Father.
Pray with me, will you.
Father of Jesus, God of the universe, perhaps I have not known you as intimately as you would like. It matters not the cause. This moment has come in my life when I have become aware that I want to know you with the kind of intimacy that your Son, Jesus, knew you. I want to walk and fellowship and communicate and interact with you in a close and daily way. I want to know you fully, or at least as fully as is possible. But with the recognition that I don’t know you as well as I want to comes the realization that I don’t know how to get to know you.
So, I ask you to help me. I want to know you and to do so, I need your help and guidance. I open my mind and my heart and my soul to you, and I ask you to begin turning them in new directions—toward all that your Fatherhood would speak into the depths of my being. Begin strengthening my will, too, so that it becomes trained in pointing the way you, as my Father, would have me go. Help me to think, to feel, and to choose in harmony with your Fatherhood in my life.
Reveal yourself to me. Show me what you are like, show me your nature and your character. Open me to all you would make known to me about yourself. Teach me to call you Father.
Now, please set down this book, close your eyes, and pray this prayer again. Do not repeat the words written on these pages, but pray quietly in your own words, giving to the Father the open and humble expression of your own heart.
This is a prayer any man, woman, or child can pray, whatever their level of spiritual development.
To all who open themselves and humbly ask for the Father to make himself known, worlds of true knowing will slowly and gently begin to open. Not because of any how-to lists you will learn of here, but from being in the presence of the Father.
By continuing to pray your own version of this prayer daily, bringing it to every step of the way we progress together as well as to the Scriptures you read, you will find yourself gradually perceiving truths on newer and deeper levels, at the most unexpected times and places. This will be the Father speaking to you. He always answers prayer! If you speak the words in earnest to him, you can be sure he will give answers to your heart and mind.
Not all at once. In fact, no change may be apparent for hours, days, maybe even years. But as the desires of your prayers are infused into all of you, the Father will answer them. Such prayers will open doors and windows into the higher realms of the Father’s being and purposes.
With every new step we take on this journey, silently lift up to God the heart-opening reaffirmation: Reveal truth to me. Show me how to call you Father. Draw me into you presence.
Do you seek practicalities?
You have just prayed the most vital and practical prayer in all the universe—the prayer God longs to hear his creatures pray.
With those sixteen simple words, you have begun a quest that will change the course of your spiritual life! And a long as you continue to orient your inner being Father-ward, it is a quest that will continue to lead you to new heights, which will, in turn, open into realms of new depths of “knowing” throughout this life…and throughout eternity.
We are now embarking on a journey to discover he whom it delighted Jesus’ heart to seek. This journey, upon which the Son invites us, is a quest of discovery. He bids us rise with him early, a long while before day, while the world yet sleeps. He invites us to accompany him into the quiet hills alone. As our Guide and Friend and elder Brother, he bids us toward the mountains there to discover intimacy with his Father…and ours.
.
I have to tell you, it is so amazing to me how God has been working in my life and through our discussions together, to speak to me at this time. As we were talking on Monday at my inner healing, I was talking about how I had shared with you that "My word is a lamp unto your feet, and a light unto your path" and just how, that is all we really need. Because, if we were to see the whole picture, we wouldn't travel down that path. How Pastor Ed has been preaching about the covenant relationship with Abraham. He told him to go but didn't tell him where and how Abraham went. He trusted in God. The illustration that was used when I was trying to decide whether or not to go to China. The illustration was that God was telling me that he had built and invisible bridge over the Grand Canyon and He wanted me to walk across it. Did I trust Him. As you know, I took that step and went to China. Now, He is telling me he has another invisible bridge over the Grand Canyon and that I once again need to trust Him as I continue my journey into a closer, deeper and more intimate relationship with Him. He is not forcing me, but He is asking me. I prayed, with my heart, the prayer found in this chapter. I didn't wait until after to pray it again in my own words, I changed the words as I was reading/praying it. I read/prayed it out loud. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I am afraid, but I also desire such a relationship with God that He IS my Daddy. As you read this, I pray that you would get this book out and begin going through it yourself. Right now, you need a Daddy. The journey will not be easy. But, He will walk you through it. He loves you, and He wants this relationship with you as well. Are you willing?
Starting out from the secure doctrinal homes in the valley you have known so long can be more than a little fearful. The first steps are often timid ones.
Though fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, we’re often so fogged in by the traditions of men that we can’t move beyond them to find out what the Lord’s wisdom actually might be. Especially dubious are we of any so-called new doctrine that seeks to explain things in ways we’re unaccustomed to.
And now I have come to the valley talking new and fresh ways of “knowing” God, challenging you to travel up into the mountain region you cannot even see from here. I would be surprised if there wasn’t some quivering your spiritual knees. Truly I understand, dear friends. I myself lived in the valley for many years before following the white-bearded man into the mountain regions.
How well I recall my own first tentative steps!
How afraid I was that I might overstep the traditional bounds of my Christian training in leaving the comfort of the valley terrain I knew so well.
Oh, but I soon learned to trust the stranger, my guide and mentor who soon became my friend. I saw that he desired only to lead me to God my Father, not away from him. How reassuring it was also to realize that he was only following his own Master’s footsteps and showing me what there was to learn along the way.
Likewise, as we now leave the valley and journey upward together, I only desire to lead you along some of the lesser-known pathways where the footsteps of Jesus himself have led.
Jesus sought his Father alone in the hills, and he invites us to do the same as we accompany him upward.
If you cannot altogether leave your timidity, at least do not let it detain you.
In time, you will look back and realize that your fears have vanished altogether in the fresh lofty air of the spirit.
Come…the adventure begins!
--------------------------
Quiet yourself just now.
Put away pen that would underline, take notes, or scribble thoughts in the margin.
We have arrived at the edge of the valley. The first step along the upward path awaits us. We begin now to move toward a new realm of “getting to know” our Father.
Pray with me, will you.
Father of Jesus, God of the universe, perhaps I have not known you as intimately as you would like. It matters not the cause. This moment has come in my life when I have become aware that I want to know you with the kind of intimacy that your Son, Jesus, knew you. I want to walk and fellowship and communicate and interact with you in a close and daily way. I want to know you fully, or at least as fully as is possible. But with the recognition that I don’t know you as well as I want to comes the realization that I don’t know how to get to know you.
So, I ask you to help me. I want to know you and to do so, I need your help and guidance. I open my mind and my heart and my soul to you, and I ask you to begin turning them in new directions—toward all that your Fatherhood would speak into the depths of my being. Begin strengthening my will, too, so that it becomes trained in pointing the way you, as my Father, would have me go. Help me to think, to feel, and to choose in harmony with your Fatherhood in my life.
Reveal yourself to me. Show me what you are like, show me your nature and your character. Open me to all you would make known to me about yourself. Teach me to call you Father.
Now, please set down this book, close your eyes, and pray this prayer again. Do not repeat the words written on these pages, but pray quietly in your own words, giving to the Father the open and humble expression of your own heart.
This is a prayer any man, woman, or child can pray, whatever their level of spiritual development.
To all who open themselves and humbly ask for the Father to make himself known, worlds of true knowing will slowly and gently begin to open. Not because of any how-to lists you will learn of here, but from being in the presence of the Father.
By continuing to pray your own version of this prayer daily, bringing it to every step of the way we progress together as well as to the Scriptures you read, you will find yourself gradually perceiving truths on newer and deeper levels, at the most unexpected times and places. This will be the Father speaking to you. He always answers prayer! If you speak the words in earnest to him, you can be sure he will give answers to your heart and mind.
Not all at once. In fact, no change may be apparent for hours, days, maybe even years. But as the desires of your prayers are infused into all of you, the Father will answer them. Such prayers will open doors and windows into the higher realms of the Father’s being and purposes.
With every new step we take on this journey, silently lift up to God the heart-opening reaffirmation: Reveal truth to me. Show me how to call you Father. Draw me into you presence.
Do you seek practicalities?
You have just prayed the most vital and practical prayer in all the universe—the prayer God longs to hear his creatures pray.
With those sixteen simple words, you have begun a quest that will change the course of your spiritual life! And a long as you continue to orient your inner being Father-ward, it is a quest that will continue to lead you to new heights, which will, in turn, open into realms of new depths of “knowing” throughout this life…and throughout eternity.
We are now embarking on a journey to discover he whom it delighted Jesus’ heart to seek. This journey, upon which the Son invites us, is a quest of discovery. He bids us rise with him early, a long while before day, while the world yet sleeps. He invites us to accompany him into the quiet hills alone. As our Guide and Friend and elder Brother, he bids us toward the mountains there to discover intimacy with his Father…and ours.
.
I have to tell you, it is so amazing to me how God has been working in my life and through our discussions together, to speak to me at this time. As we were talking on Monday at my inner healing, I was talking about how I had shared with you that "My word is a lamp unto your feet, and a light unto your path" and just how, that is all we really need. Because, if we were to see the whole picture, we wouldn't travel down that path. How Pastor Ed has been preaching about the covenant relationship with Abraham. He told him to go but didn't tell him where and how Abraham went. He trusted in God. The illustration that was used when I was trying to decide whether or not to go to China. The illustration was that God was telling me that he had built and invisible bridge over the Grand Canyon and He wanted me to walk across it. Did I trust Him. As you know, I took that step and went to China. Now, He is telling me he has another invisible bridge over the Grand Canyon and that I once again need to trust Him as I continue my journey into a closer, deeper and more intimate relationship with Him. He is not forcing me, but He is asking me. I prayed, with my heart, the prayer found in this chapter. I didn't wait until after to pray it again in my own words, I changed the words as I was reading/praying it. I read/prayed it out loud. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I am afraid, but I also desire such a relationship with God that He IS my Daddy. As you read this, I pray that you would get this book out and begin going through it yourself. Right now, you need a Daddy. The journey will not be easy. But, He will walk you through it. He loves you, and He wants this relationship with you as well. Are you willing?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Today's the day I find out
Well, today is the day I find out the results of my biopsies. I am a little nervous and my stomach is in knots, is churning, full of butterfly's. I know that this will pass and be replaced with relief and or a plan of action. Either way, I know that God is in control. I am in His hands.
I praise God and am continuing to sing His praises. We found out that the tumor was benign. It is a fibrous cyst.
I praise God and am continuing to sing His praises. We found out that the tumor was benign. It is a fibrous cyst.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thus begins my journey
As I awoke this morning, I had so many thoughts going through my mind. I felt I needed to write them down and decided I would begin this blog.
My journey involves many things, my decision to finally have a breast reduction, my relationship with Christ and the journey through the possibility of breast cancer.
Many years ago, I made the decision to have breast reduction surgery. It was never a question of if, but of when. The when was ultimately to be determined by when I had children and when they finished nursing. This past December I was still believing that I would have the surgery at least 1-2 years from then. My youngest was still nursing, at least occasionally and I had felt I wanted there to be at least a year from the time she weaned before I undertook the journey to have my reduction surgery.
As December faded into January, my mind began working through the details of surgery and the when. As I considered, I realized that, if I didn't have the surgery this summer, I really didn't know when I would. This will be the last summer that we will only be at UPBC for only 2 weeks. I knew I needed to have the remainder of the summer to recover while my husband, Dave, was off. So, I made the decision to go ahead with locating a Dr.
The search began last summer when I was talking to the nurse at camp. She happened to know of a plastic surgeon that I could "interview". I got his name and number from her. By the end of the summer and into early fall, I had already lost the number and had to e-mail her to request it again. In early January, I called my insurance company to find out what would be covered and what the process would be to initiate the pre-approval. They informed me that it would take 6-8 weeks for the pre-approval. They also advised me to make sure my Dr. was an in-network Dr. Before I made my consultation appointment, I checked the website to make sure that Dr. Darian was in network and he was.
About a week before my conultation was scheduled, I got online to research more about breast reduction surgery so that I would be more informed when I went into the Dr.'s office and would be better able to ask questions. When I met the Dr., the first thing he asked me was what I knew about the surgery. I told him only what I had read online. He asked me what I read, and I share what I knew with him. He said, "It sounds like you went to some reputable sites". And, yes, I had (Mayo's being one of them). From there he proceeded to let me know exactly what I could expect (including the fact that everyone heals differently so he couldn't tell me when the pain would go away, when the sensation would return, etc). He asked if I had had a mammogram recently, and I said, "no." He told me that I would before I had surgery or he wouldn't do the surgery. In addition, he told me that I needed to not just have any mammogram, but a good one. After he left, the nurse, Tamika, got the information I would need .
Shortly after this, I went to a friends house for an inner healing and deliverance. I knew I was in need of this prayer session as I was struggling with a lot of anger. During this healing, God was speaking to me through the Song of Solomon. Emotionally, this was a very draining session. Yes, I know God. Yes, I know his Son, Jesus. Yes, I know the Holy Spirit lives within me. However, I have a relationship with God like I do many people. I keep him at arms length. It's "safer". It is a way to protect my heart. So many times in my life, I have felt that I have been betrayed or deserted by people, including my earthly Father, that I developed this way of protecting myself. Frankly, it isn't very "fun". I miss out on so many things. Anyhow, one of the things that was brought up in this healing, was something I had told my oldest daughter. "I love you. I loved you and wanted you for years before you were growing in my tummy. I loved youand wanted you before I found out I was pregnant with you. I loved you and wanted you when I found out I was pregnant with you, I loved you and wanted you when I first set eyes on you and held you in my arms and I still love you and want you." Well, God took my words and said them to me. He loves me and wants me. That was an emotionally tough "pill" to swallow. Even though I already "knew that" in my head, it is another thing to have God tell you that and try to accept that in your heart. One of the things I learned from that, however, is that, whenI am sharing with my girls how I feel about them, or what kind of relationship God wants from them, that I need to take my words to them, and apply them to myself as well. God is speaking to me.
For example, I was talking to Rebekah, my youngest, about prayer. I was explaining to her how God wants us to pray and talk to him everyday. He doesn't want us to be afraid of him. He wants us to know him and love him. He wants to hear about everything we have done in our day. He wants to know the ups and the downs. He is waiting to listen to us. Does he already know what our day has been like? Yes. But, just like a parent, who has seen something their child has done, but can't wait to have them tell them, God waits for us to tell him too. He waits for us to share our joys and our sorrows. So, we need to just talk to him and tell him. Well, I am still working on this. It isn't easy. God is a father figure, and I wasn't able to talk to my father very well. I didn't see my father very often. My parents were divorced when I was around 6, and so my father wasn't around.
God is working in my life. In so many ways. The above are just two examples. More recently though, I have seen his fingerprints all over my life. Guiding and directing. The mammogram that Dr. Darian said I must have. Well, I finally went to have it (2 days ago now). This is where I really saw how God is working in my life and guiding my decisions. I have never had a mammogram before, and, had it not been for Dr. Darian ordering it, I probably still wouldn't have. But, I did. And, the mammogram indicated a lump in my left breast. The technician, Laura, asked if I had time to do an ultrasound on the area. I said yes. She said she thought so (we had talked about what I did-stay at home, homeschooling Mom-and that Dave was home taking care of the girls that day) and informed me they had an opening. Very soon after that, the ultra sound technician came and got me. (I can't remember her name right now) As I walked into the room, I saw my images up on the board. There was very clearly a nice marble size lump. So clear, you didn't have to be a radiologist to see it. When the ultrasound was completed, the Dr. came in to do a second ultrasound-this is the policy at Henry Ford Hospital. But, the Dr. said he wasn't going to do another ultrasound as the first one told him the lump was definitely not a cyst. He explained why, like the shape and the consistency-it wasn't simply fluid filled, and told me they would need to biopsy the lump. Did I have time to biopsy it now? Yes, I did. He then proceeded to explain what they were going to do, how they were going to do it (assisted by the ultrasound) and did I have any questions. None about the procedure, but I wanted to call Dave and let him know what was going on. After I got off the phone with Dave, they began the prep and proceded to numb the area and then take the biopsies. They also decided to leave a titanium chip to mark the location of the lump. It didn't hurt (except for tenderness later in the evening) and it was fairly quick. I then went and had another mammogram on the left side so that they could get a picture showing the location of the chip.
While I was waiting to get dressed, the nurse, Lisa, came in to let me know when my follow up appointment was with the surgeon, and what my restrictions were for the rest of the day. That is when the whole thing started to sink in. That is when the first tears began to roll. I asked her also, about the Dr. I was scheduled to see on Wednesday. She told me he was good. In fact, he was one of the best in the state as well as the nation. Lisa assured me that, if I should need any further treatment, that I was in good hands. I told her that was nice to know, but that I already knew I was in good hands as I was in God's hands.
When I left the hospital and got in the car, I really needed to talk to someone. Wow. It was hard to find anyone to talk to. But, finally, I got ahold of my friend Diana and we talked. It was wonderful. She realized that I just needed someone to talk to. Not necessarily about the mammogram and the lump, but just to talk. So we did. After I got off the phone with her, I made a few other calls and got ahold of a few other people who said they would be praying for me. What a blessing to have so many people praying for me. Then again, as I read this, and even at the time, I am reminded that the person I really needed to talk to, that was waiting for me to talk to him, is God. But, me, in my habits, persisted to make phone calls so I could talk to a "real" person. I needed to hear a voice on the other end of the line.
Well, Thursday night, I slept pretty well. I slept on the couch as it forced me to sleep on my right side. It was a little too painful to try and sleep on my left side. Yesterday, though, I was in and out of stress and fighting back tears. The reality of what I may be facing was starting to sink in. I had more difficulty getting to sleep last night and woke up early this morning. My mind is trying to work through all the possible scenarios. The waiting isn't easy for me. Wednesday's appointment can't come soon enough. Or maybe it can. What am I going to be told? Benign or malignant? For now, I have to wait.
So how do I see God's fingerprints all over this? It begins with the plastic surgeon. He wouldn't do surgery without the mammogram (which I probably would have put off for as long as I could). Then, when I went to have the mammogram, and the lump was found, it just so happened that they had an opening for the ultra sound and the biopsy. I didn't have to make any follow up appointments to have the testing done. Everyone who needed to be in place and the availabilty was there . In addition, should I need additional care, the Dr. I will be seeing for my results is one of the best in the country. He specializes in breast health. To top it all off, should I need any type of plastic surgery, I already have one of the best Dr.s for that as well. And then, when I called the insurance company yesterday to question what kind of coverage we have, should I need it, I was told we were covered, as long as it was medically necessary, 100%. How incredible is that? Only God could have orchestrated this whole thing as perfectly as he did.
Now, I simply wait. This morning I woke up to the reality of what I MAY be told. I decided I needed to start writing down my thoughts. Thus begins my journey.
My journey involves many things, my decision to finally have a breast reduction, my relationship with Christ and the journey through the possibility of breast cancer.
Many years ago, I made the decision to have breast reduction surgery. It was never a question of if, but of when. The when was ultimately to be determined by when I had children and when they finished nursing. This past December I was still believing that I would have the surgery at least 1-2 years from then. My youngest was still nursing, at least occasionally and I had felt I wanted there to be at least a year from the time she weaned before I undertook the journey to have my reduction surgery.
As December faded into January, my mind began working through the details of surgery and the when. As I considered, I realized that, if I didn't have the surgery this summer, I really didn't know when I would. This will be the last summer that we will only be at UPBC for only 2 weeks. I knew I needed to have the remainder of the summer to recover while my husband, Dave, was off. So, I made the decision to go ahead with locating a Dr.
The search began last summer when I was talking to the nurse at camp. She happened to know of a plastic surgeon that I could "interview". I got his name and number from her. By the end of the summer and into early fall, I had already lost the number and had to e-mail her to request it again. In early January, I called my insurance company to find out what would be covered and what the process would be to initiate the pre-approval. They informed me that it would take 6-8 weeks for the pre-approval. They also advised me to make sure my Dr. was an in-network Dr. Before I made my consultation appointment, I checked the website to make sure that Dr. Darian was in network and he was.
About a week before my conultation was scheduled, I got online to research more about breast reduction surgery so that I would be more informed when I went into the Dr.'s office and would be better able to ask questions. When I met the Dr., the first thing he asked me was what I knew about the surgery. I told him only what I had read online. He asked me what I read, and I share what I knew with him. He said, "It sounds like you went to some reputable sites". And, yes, I had (Mayo's being one of them). From there he proceeded to let me know exactly what I could expect (including the fact that everyone heals differently so he couldn't tell me when the pain would go away, when the sensation would return, etc). He asked if I had had a mammogram recently, and I said, "no." He told me that I would before I had surgery or he wouldn't do the surgery. In addition, he told me that I needed to not just have any mammogram, but a good one. After he left, the nurse, Tamika, got the information I would need .
Shortly after this, I went to a friends house for an inner healing and deliverance. I knew I was in need of this prayer session as I was struggling with a lot of anger. During this healing, God was speaking to me through the Song of Solomon. Emotionally, this was a very draining session. Yes, I know God. Yes, I know his Son, Jesus. Yes, I know the Holy Spirit lives within me. However, I have a relationship with God like I do many people. I keep him at arms length. It's "safer". It is a way to protect my heart. So many times in my life, I have felt that I have been betrayed or deserted by people, including my earthly Father, that I developed this way of protecting myself. Frankly, it isn't very "fun". I miss out on so many things. Anyhow, one of the things that was brought up in this healing, was something I had told my oldest daughter. "I love you. I loved you and wanted you for years before you were growing in my tummy. I loved youand wanted you before I found out I was pregnant with you. I loved you and wanted you when I found out I was pregnant with you, I loved you and wanted you when I first set eyes on you and held you in my arms and I still love you and want you." Well, God took my words and said them to me. He loves me and wants me. That was an emotionally tough "pill" to swallow. Even though I already "knew that" in my head, it is another thing to have God tell you that and try to accept that in your heart. One of the things I learned from that, however, is that, whenI am sharing with my girls how I feel about them, or what kind of relationship God wants from them, that I need to take my words to them, and apply them to myself as well. God is speaking to me.
For example, I was talking to Rebekah, my youngest, about prayer. I was explaining to her how God wants us to pray and talk to him everyday. He doesn't want us to be afraid of him. He wants us to know him and love him. He wants to hear about everything we have done in our day. He wants to know the ups and the downs. He is waiting to listen to us. Does he already know what our day has been like? Yes. But, just like a parent, who has seen something their child has done, but can't wait to have them tell them, God waits for us to tell him too. He waits for us to share our joys and our sorrows. So, we need to just talk to him and tell him. Well, I am still working on this. It isn't easy. God is a father figure, and I wasn't able to talk to my father very well. I didn't see my father very often. My parents were divorced when I was around 6, and so my father wasn't around.
God is working in my life. In so many ways. The above are just two examples. More recently though, I have seen his fingerprints all over my life. Guiding and directing. The mammogram that Dr. Darian said I must have. Well, I finally went to have it (2 days ago now). This is where I really saw how God is working in my life and guiding my decisions. I have never had a mammogram before, and, had it not been for Dr. Darian ordering it, I probably still wouldn't have. But, I did. And, the mammogram indicated a lump in my left breast. The technician, Laura, asked if I had time to do an ultrasound on the area. I said yes. She said she thought so (we had talked about what I did-stay at home, homeschooling Mom-and that Dave was home taking care of the girls that day) and informed me they had an opening. Very soon after that, the ultra sound technician came and got me. (I can't remember her name right now) As I walked into the room, I saw my images up on the board. There was very clearly a nice marble size lump. So clear, you didn't have to be a radiologist to see it. When the ultrasound was completed, the Dr. came in to do a second ultrasound-this is the policy at Henry Ford Hospital. But, the Dr. said he wasn't going to do another ultrasound as the first one told him the lump was definitely not a cyst. He explained why, like the shape and the consistency-it wasn't simply fluid filled, and told me they would need to biopsy the lump. Did I have time to biopsy it now? Yes, I did. He then proceeded to explain what they were going to do, how they were going to do it (assisted by the ultrasound) and did I have any questions. None about the procedure, but I wanted to call Dave and let him know what was going on. After I got off the phone with Dave, they began the prep and proceded to numb the area and then take the biopsies. They also decided to leave a titanium chip to mark the location of the lump. It didn't hurt (except for tenderness later in the evening) and it was fairly quick. I then went and had another mammogram on the left side so that they could get a picture showing the location of the chip.
While I was waiting to get dressed, the nurse, Lisa, came in to let me know when my follow up appointment was with the surgeon, and what my restrictions were for the rest of the day. That is when the whole thing started to sink in. That is when the first tears began to roll. I asked her also, about the Dr. I was scheduled to see on Wednesday. She told me he was good. In fact, he was one of the best in the state as well as the nation. Lisa assured me that, if I should need any further treatment, that I was in good hands. I told her that was nice to know, but that I already knew I was in good hands as I was in God's hands.
When I left the hospital and got in the car, I really needed to talk to someone. Wow. It was hard to find anyone to talk to. But, finally, I got ahold of my friend Diana and we talked. It was wonderful. She realized that I just needed someone to talk to. Not necessarily about the mammogram and the lump, but just to talk. So we did. After I got off the phone with her, I made a few other calls and got ahold of a few other people who said they would be praying for me. What a blessing to have so many people praying for me. Then again, as I read this, and even at the time, I am reminded that the person I really needed to talk to, that was waiting for me to talk to him, is God. But, me, in my habits, persisted to make phone calls so I could talk to a "real" person. I needed to hear a voice on the other end of the line.
Well, Thursday night, I slept pretty well. I slept on the couch as it forced me to sleep on my right side. It was a little too painful to try and sleep on my left side. Yesterday, though, I was in and out of stress and fighting back tears. The reality of what I may be facing was starting to sink in. I had more difficulty getting to sleep last night and woke up early this morning. My mind is trying to work through all the possible scenarios. The waiting isn't easy for me. Wednesday's appointment can't come soon enough. Or maybe it can. What am I going to be told? Benign or malignant? For now, I have to wait.
So how do I see God's fingerprints all over this? It begins with the plastic surgeon. He wouldn't do surgery without the mammogram (which I probably would have put off for as long as I could). Then, when I went to have the mammogram, and the lump was found, it just so happened that they had an opening for the ultra sound and the biopsy. I didn't have to make any follow up appointments to have the testing done. Everyone who needed to be in place and the availabilty was there . In addition, should I need additional care, the Dr. I will be seeing for my results is one of the best in the country. He specializes in breast health. To top it all off, should I need any type of plastic surgery, I already have one of the best Dr.s for that as well. And then, when I called the insurance company yesterday to question what kind of coverage we have, should I need it, I was told we were covered, as long as it was medically necessary, 100%. How incredible is that? Only God could have orchestrated this whole thing as perfectly as he did.
Now, I simply wait. This morning I woke up to the reality of what I MAY be told. I decided I needed to start writing down my thoughts. Thus begins my journey.
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